[ Bells Jingling ]
[ Man ] Good morning, Southern California.
7:51 on the Pepper and Spice Show.
Fifteen days till Christmas,
and we're talkin' about who you want to see on Santa's naughty list.
[ Woman ] Let's see. We've got a tweet here from Jamarco.
"How about those Salvation Army bell ringers?"
[ Man ] Oh, constant clanging in the month of December.
[ Woman ] Shame on you, Jamarco.
I think what you need is a good spanking.
[ Man ] I was just going to send him a T‐shirt.
Gloria from Pasadena wants to see her husband Alex on the naughty list.
Well, tell me, Gloria, what has Alex done...
to get himself in hot water with you and Santa?
‐[ Gloria On Phone ] He cheated on me. ‐[ Alarm Wailing ]
Uh‐oh. Sounds like Alex has been a very naughty boy.
Now, listen, the naughty list is a pretty serious thing.
I mean, you can't just say your husband's cheating on you.
We're gonna need to see some proof.
Okay, people. On your toes.
I don't want this getting away from us. I want a tight leash on him.
[ Gloria ] For starters, how 'bout a million text messages on his work phone...
from some skank named Wanda?
And last night, he comes in at 4:00 in the morning,
and says he was out Christmas shopping.
In all fairness, I mean,
most stores do have holiday extended hours.
Ah, come on. Until 4:00 in the morning?
What about all those text messages?
I mean, what can you really tell about someone from a text message?
What's this? What are they doing? What's going on?
Hello, Wanda. I wonder if you might do us a small favor.
For all we know, Wanda could be, like, some shut‐in, you know,
that needs someone to talk to.
And Alex, well, Alex, maybe he's a secret Santa...
out at all hours of the night,
going to orphanages and shelters.
Or maybe he's a complete schmuck.
Let's get him on the line and find out.
No, no, no, no. We don't have clearance for that. No, no. Hang up.
[ Alex On Phone ] Yeah, hello?
[ High‐pitched Voice ] Hi, Alex.
Yeah, speaking. Who's this?
Alex, this is Murray, the elf from the North Pole, calling.
Okay. Why not? I got nothing better to do than sit in traffic.
What can I do for you, Murray?
As you know, this is the time of the year when we're going over our list,
and we're checkin' it twice, and it appears you're on the naughty list.
Oh, that's too bad. What did I do, leave the toilet seat up again?
Well, I think it's a little more serious than that.
You see, when Santa comes down your chimney in the wee hours of the morning,
he's bringing divorce papers!
Wait a minute. Who is this?
You happen to know anyone named Wanda?
Did my nut‐job wife put you up to this?
[ Gloria ] I'm here, you bimbo‐chasing lowlife.
What's her I. Q., like 60?
[ Alex ] I think you're getting mixed up with your dress size, honey.
Now, now. Let's be good, for goodness' sake.
[ Gloria ] Hey, you better lawyer up, pal,
because I'm coming after your skinny little lying‐‐
Unfortunately, that's all the time we have today.
You've been listening to Pepper and Spice in the Morning.
And I'd like to give a big shout‐out to all those overpaid folks...
who make this show go.
And remember, ladies, no matter how hot you might be,
you can always use a little Pepper in your life.
And I'm gone.
[ Man ] And we're out.
‐Killed it. ‐Yes.
[ Man ] My friends invite me over, but I just can't seem to get there.
Not yet anyway. Not since Lucille died.
It's been 19 months.
I just don't know what to do?
You know, Ross, it is perfectly normal to feel...
intense feelings of loss at Christmas.
You know, there's this expectation of loved ones getting together,
and, sadly, your loved one is gone.
Do you mind if I ask how long you and Lucille were together?
Let's see. Got her used in '98.
But I swapped engines four or five years ago.
Wait. I'm sorry. Was, uh, Lucille a car?
You kidding? Try a two‐ton truck.
Why? What'd you think she was?
You know, on second thought,
I think 18 months is probably plenty of time to grieve.
And if you have friends still willing to invite you over,
I would walk‐‐ no, I would probably run there as fast as I could.
You're listening to Dr. Love in the Morning.
And we'll be back with more of your calls right after this.
‐I mean‐‐ ‐[ Phone Rings ]
Dr. Love. What's your problem?
Hey. Guy grieving a pickup truck?
Is that the best we got?
[ Laughing ] Seriously?
You expect me to put that on the air?
No. No. No, sir. A crisis is bad radio,
which is what you're describing right now.
Call back when you got real problems.
Geez.
‐Would it kill you to be nicer to callers? ‐What?
I'm saving them from you.
‐Me? What did I do? ‐You baby them.
Oh, it's natural to have feelings of loss.
Seriously. Give me an hour on the mike, I'll show you how it's done.
Welcome to the octagon. This is Dr. Tough Love. Get over it! Aah!
Okay. Okay. So, how 'bout, hands down,
you are the worst call screener in all of radio.
Better. Yeah. That had some real bite.
‐Did it? Did it hurt? ‐Felt it right here.
‐You're back on in 10. ‐Okay.
‐And, uh, Cole wants to see you after the show. ‐Wait, what? Why?
Is it about ratings?
No, it's our improper workplace romance.
How the heck do I know?
In three, two‐‐
Greetings. And welcome back to Dr. Love in the Morning.
I'm doing what I can. Yes, I will talk to them again, for the hundredth time.
Yeah, sure.
So I have courtside seats to the Lakers...
right next to Nicholson.
Thanks, but I'll pass.
Come on. You love basketball.
No, actually, I hated it.
I only went along to be with you.
Oh, well, that's perfect. Just come along with me then.
It was a college thing, sweetie.
A long time ago.
Ouch.
Pepper. In my office, now.
Do me a favor, and hold him off for me?
For old times' sake. Thank you.
Pepper had to scoot. Anything I can help you with, Mr. Harper?
Okay. That show‐off thinks he can get away with whatever he wants.
Well, this time, not gonna happen.
Ah, Morris, my man.
Courtside seats for you and the kid.
Here you go. Just make sure and use 'em.
Spent a lot of money on those.
Seriously?
Yeah, it's the least I can do for my agent, right?
Pepper, I gave these to you for your last birthday.
And my birthday wish is to bring a little joy to you and your son.
‐Daughter. ‐That's what I meant.
Look, where have you been hiding? I've been looking for you all afternoon.
I've just been laying low, man, till Harper calms down.
Well, he hasn't, and you've been suspended.
What? What are you talking about?
Corporate called an hour ago.
They are taking you off the air until further notice.
Uh, off the air? No. They‐‐ Why?
The little stunt you pulled this morning.
You know, the naughty list. Murray the elf.
Yeah. Dude, that was funny.
Yeah, well, not to Alex King.
That's the guy you threw under the bus.
The TV guy. Oh! That was him?
Alex King, the Kong of Big Screens.
The station's biggest advertiser.
Okay, okay. So, I'll apologize.
I'll buy one of those planet‐sized TVs of his for the staff. We'll be good.
Alex King can buy and sell you.
He does not want your money. He wants your head on a stick, man.
[ Stammers ]
Okay. All right. Maybe we can make this work.
Let me try to milk the controversy.
I'll stir up some press.
You go away for a couple of weeks, come back to even bigger numbers.
Couple of weeks? What? Man, are you crazy?
That's like a million years in radio time. Everyone's gonna think I'm dead.
Well, that is better than actually being dead, which is what Alex King wants.
Okay. What about remotes?
I'll just keep my name out there by calling in from some exotic place...
like, uh, Tahiti?
[ Laughing ]
Pepper, I'm sure management wants to send you quite a few places,
but Tahiti is not one of them.
Here. What's this?
Airline ticket. Corporate took the liberty of reassigning you...
to a sister station until further notice.
They can do that?
Read your contract, Pepper.
They own you.
You leave on a red‐eye tonight.
Where the heck is Idyllwild, Colorado?
Beats me, but, uh, you might want to pack your Snuggies.
‐[ Knocks ] ‐Hey.
Sandy, come in. Have a seat.
Uh, do you want water or something?
Um, no. No, I'm okay. Thank you.
Well, let's talk about your show.
Okay. Cool. Look, I know what you're gonna say.
The ratings‐‐ they haven't been what they should be, and I agree with you,
but I feel like if you just give us a little time‐‐
‐Sandy‐‐ ‐No one knew who Dr. Laura was for, like 15 years.
‐Now she has a huge career. ‐I'm not canceling your show.
‐You're not? ‐No.
You're the best show we have, and you're right‐‐ it takes time to build an audience.
But I think I have a way to help.
Pepper Sterling, one of the hottest radio jocks in L. A.
This could be big for you. The network that owns us thinks he's gonna be huge.
That's great for him,
but unless he's moving here to Whoville, how does this help us?
That's exactly what he's doing. And not voluntarily.
Apparently, he ticked off some big‐shot advertiser,
so they need to put him on ice till things blow over.
Mmm. So we get to babysit him.
Not "we." You.
Say hello to your new cohost.
What? No. No. No, no, no, no, no. I don't want a cohost.
I mean, what does this guy even know about psychotherapy?
‐Anything? ‐It doesn't matter. That's your job.
If he gives us a bump in the ratings, that's what you need.
Do I have any say in this?
[ Sighs ] Corporate wants to park him here,
so we're gonna be good soldiers and make the best of it.
If he brings a little attention to the best thing on radio,
not to mention the most beautiful,
even better.
Okay. So, when does this Pepper Sterling guy get here?
Tomorrow morning.
Tomorrow?
And I want you to pick him up from the airport.
It'll give you guys a chance to hang out before the show.
You owe me so big.
Fine. What about dinner at my place?
Tomorrow night after the show?
How 'bout dinner, no your place?
You're drivin' me crazy. You know that.
Well, maybe you should call that radio shrink.
I heard she's really good.
Final boarding call for flight 371 service to Boulder, gate two.
Mr. Sterling. Hi.
Sandra Love. Welcome to Idyllwild.
Thanks. It's just one bag.
[ Chuckles ] I‐‐ I think there's been a little misunderstanding.
You're the car service, right, from the radio station?
No. Um, I'm your new cohost. Actually, technically, you're my new cohost, but‐‐
You know, you're here helping with my show.
‐Oh, your show? ‐That's right.
Okay, look, I‐‐ [ Sighs ]
I think we got off on the wrong foot.
Sandy Love. Welcome to Idyllwild.
I'm guessing it's not a heavy metal show.
[ Sandy ] No, no. It's more like a help line.
You know, people call in with problems,
usually relationship issues, things like that.
Sounds like a barrel of fun.
Okay. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What?
Look, I'll slum it on your touchy‐feely radio show if I have to,
but shopping‐‐ no fricking way.
There's only so much torture I can take.
Will you relax? I promise it won't be painful.
[ Door Hinges Squeaking ]
Come on.
[ Sighs ]
Oh, hey.
What do you think?
I think you look just like one of us.
Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of.
Come on. We got a lot of work to do.
Welcome to your new place of employment.
You gotta be kidding me.
Here we are.
KZJJ, 99.6.
Home of Dr. Love in the Morning.
Geez. For a minute there,
I thought you were leading me into a top‐secret division of the C. I. A.
Hey. Pepper, I'm Cole, station manager.
And prison warden.
Oh, come on.
Cheer up. It's not that bad, once you get used to it.
You want to give him the 25‐cent tour?
Sure. Which won't take long because we only have one studio.
This is true.
‐Okay. ‐So‐‐
Most of our content comes from the network feed.
And any live programming we do happens right here.
It's probably not exactly what you're used to.
That's okay. You can't have caviar all the time, right?
Sometimes you gotta take a step back.
Way back. Is that a sundial?
Uh, no, no, no. That's actually my seat. We have you set up right here.
[ Pepper ] Okay.
[ Whimpering ]
[ Whimpering Continues ]
Pepper Sterling.
[ Laughs ]
This is Jonah. He's our engineer. He's like a puppy.
Once he smells you, he'll settle down.
You, sir, are a god.
I am such a huge fan.
You know, I stream every single one of your shows,
and I just want to say that if it wasn't for my crappy salary,
I would totally build a shrine to you.
Thanks.
Okay. Well, um, it's about show time.
So, leave you to it. Welcome aboard.
Yeah. Oh, yeah. Okay. Um‐‐
Hey, if you need anything at all while you're here, you just come to me, okay?
And I mean anything at all.
Okay. Great. Have a good show.
You're awesome, dude.
Okay. So I know it's hard coming in cold.
I took the liberty of putting together some production notes for you.
Look at that. Proper online form and everything.
Even a little staple in the corner. Cute.
Well, a disciplined show is a good show.
And a motto too.
Okay, look,
I know that you don't wanna be here.
Okay? And I'm not really that thrilled to share my show with you either.
But I feel like if we just show each other a little respect...
and show my show some respect,
that we'll be just fine.
Respect. Your show.
Yeah.
Got it.
Thank you.
‐[ Jonah ] Live in 10. ‐Ha! Hoo! Hah!
What are you doing?
Vocal exercises.
You know, just limbering up the cords.
Uh, live in three.
[ Loud Laughing ]
‐What are you doing? ‐Old deejay trick. Happy face, happy voice, right?
No, not happy face. Scary face. You look like the Joker.
Hi. Uh, greetings. And welcome to Dr. Love in the Morning.
Today we have a very special guest.
In from our sister station in Los Angeles, please welcome Pepper Sterling.
Hey there, Idyllwild. You guys ready to get wild and crazy?
Actually, Pepper, our long‐time listeners will tell you...
we don't use the word "crazy" around here...
because we feel like it stereotypes people with real issues.
Okay. Well, how about uptight and controlling?
Good? No good?
With that, let's take our first caller.
Kenny, hi. Where are you calling from?
[ Kenny ] Uh, a telephone.
Good answer. What can I help you with today?
Uh, this girl in my high school class.
I kind of want to ask her to the Christmas formal,
but she's sort of out of my league.
Oh, Kenny, look, it's dating, it's not football.
There's no leagues. Women don't think like that.
‐Okay. ‐That's right, Kenny.
And I flew all the way here on a magic unicorn.
[ Kenny Chuckles ]
Women value thoughtfulness...
even more than they do physical attraction.
If you want her to go out with you,
don't just go up to her locker and ask her out.
Be brave, you know? Be bold.
Really sweep her off her feet.
All right then.
Kenny, if I may offer my opinion‐‐
No, you may not. Jonah, who's our next caller?
Uh, that would be no one.
Kenny, I don't know you, but the fact that you're calling in on this show...
pretty much tells me that you are no George Clooney.
So I'd say the chances of you getting rejected...
fall somewhere between sure thing and stone‐cold lock.
My advice: Take the money you'd blow on a tux and buy yourself an Xbox.
It'll never leave you nor will it ever tell you to share your feelings.
Unless, of course, your feelings are, "Take that, sucker!"
With that brilliant piece of advice, we'll be right back.
Listen here, you overpaid twit.
I googled you last night,
and despite thousands of tedious pages I had to read through,
I didn't find one redeeming quality.
You're smug and crude,
and you use people's lives to get a cheap laugh.
We don't do that here on my show, okay?
And that's right. I said it.
My show. Mine, okay?
Mine, mine, mine. You got it?
Or do I need to put a Sticky Note on that Cro‐Magnon forehead of yours?
What are you laughing about?
[ Gasps ] Are we on the air?
And we'll be right back, folks.
I think that went well.
I promise you that will never, ever happen again.
‐That's too bad. ‐And you have every right to feel like that. I just‐‐
I'm sorry. What did you say?
We don't get hard numbers till the end of the week, but based on these,
you two are a hit.
We haven't got calls like this in a long time.
‐The phones lit up right after your little episode. ‐That was more of a conniption.
‐Shut up. ‐Whatever it was, keep doing it.
People seem to eat it up.
Yeah, but, Cole, these are all complaints.
Honestly, love you or loathe you,
just as long as they keep listening.
You know what? Maybe she's right.
Maybe this was just a bad idea.
If I were you, I'd call the network,
I'd tell them this is all a disaster,
send my sorry butt on the next plane out of here.
‐That's what I would do. Let me call 'em for you. ‐Nice try.
You're both adults. Figure it out.
Now if you'll excuse us, Pepper. Sandy and I have a dinner engagement.
Jonah will take you to your motel.
I'll pick you up out front. Meet you there.
‐[ Snorts ] ‐What?
[ Kissing ]
[ Scoffs ] Grow up.
[ Laughing ]
Can you believe it? The village idiot in there has you down for next Christmas.
I mean, what kind of moron books a place a year in advance?
That's all right. Maybe it's here on the reservation.
Look, no, no, no.
Okay. Look, man. It's no big deal.
We'll just go to another place.
Dude, this is the only game in town,
so unless you have some long‐lost cousin here in Hicksville,
‐you're hosed. ‐You're kidding.
I mean, this is Colorado. There's gotta be, like, some ski chalet or something.
Absolutely, yeah. Tons of 'em right up the road in Aspen.
‐Perfect. ‐Which is about six hours from here.
Great. That's just great.
Despair not, my friend. I got a solution. Come on.
Uh‐‐ Oh, man.
You're gonna love this place.
Uh, there's only one place good enough for my boy, Pepper Sterling.
Here we go.
[ Laughing ]
Welcome to the broadcasters' bachelor pad!
‐Your garage apartment. ‐No, no, no.
Combination boudoir and radio museum.
See, uh‐‐
Oh! You know, one day, you are gonna be up on that wall of fame.
I just know it.
But you gotta die first. [ Laughing ]
I'm not kidding about that, by the way.
Look, Jonah, I appreciate your hospitality,
but I don't wanna put you out.
No, no, no, no, no. It will be my honor, good sir.
But I do have one question for you‐‐ FM or AM?
‐What? ‐Firm mattress or air mattress?
‐FM it is. ‐All right.
Cool. Well, you're probably pretty wiped from the flight,
so why don't you just kick back, relax?
I'm gonna go inside. My mom's heating up some pigs in a blanket.
And, uh, I'll be right back.
And, uh, Pepper, just so you know,
I'm never washing that sheet again.
Ever.
You know, I don't think I actually ever have, so‐‐
Okay.
Hey, Mom! Preheat those piggies, will ya?
[ Groans ]
Hmm.
[ Exhales ]
Okay. Here you go.
I feel like an idiot.
Well, you look adorable.
Are you sure this will work?
I mean, what if she already has a date to the Christmas formal?
No, look, Kenny, that's not the point.
It kind of is.
No, the point is for her to notice you,
for her to wake up and realize...
that you could be the greatest guy she's ever met in her whole life.
Santa?
No. You.
Okay? Now, stick to the plan. Go get on that curb and keep your phone close by.
‐And here's your hat. ‐Okay.
You can do this. You're gonna be great.
[ Exhales ]
Right there.
‐[ Laughing ] ‐[ Phone Rings ]
Oh, hold on, hold on.
Hey, Pepper. How was your flight?
It crashed in the Twilight Zone.
Come on. It cannot be that bad.
Man, yesterday I have a hit show, I'm living like a rock star.
Today I'm a has‐been. I'm living in a garage.
It's like I've turned into a TV movie, man.
Will you stop being so melodramatic?
It hasn't even been 24 hours yet.
You gotta fix this.
If I stay here much longer, I'm gonna go crazy.
I'm workin' on it. Oh, and thank you for regifting those tickets.
Yeah. I'm just having a little pregame cocktail.
Hold on. Somebody wants to say hi.
Hi, Pepper. How's it going?
Are you kidding me?
Bye. [ Laughing ]
‐Cheers. ‐He is not happy.
He is not happy.
[ Phone Rings ]
[ Sandy ] Rudolph to Big Red.
The goose is approaching the oven.
‐Do you copy? ‐What?
‐No, it means she's on her way. ‐Why didn't you just tell me that?
Just get moving.
[ Knocking ]
‐What are you doing here? ‐Give it to me straight.
Are you really a radio deejay, or is this just a cover for your spy gig?
Get in the car.
You gonna tell me what's going on?
Okay. Remember that high school kid who called into the show?
Kenny, that loser you almost got to humiliate himself? Yeah.
First of all, he's not a loser.
And second, he's about to get a date with the girl of his dreams.
Please tell me you did not get involved.
Oh, I shouldn't be getting involved,
but it's okay for you to turn people into a punch line...
and toss them away whenever you're done?
We're entertainers. That's what we do. Come on.
Ho, ho, ho. Well, if it isn't little Annie Nibough.
Hi, Santa.
What you got in the bag?
Oh! Let's take a look.
Must be something in here with your name on it.
Well, son of a gun.
[ Gasps ] Thank you.
They're really pretty.
[ Chuckles ]
Wait! Uh‐‐
Ho‐ho‐hold on. Almost forgot the most important part.
Well, go on. Open it.
Well?
Let me think about it.
‐Ka‐boom. ‐[ Sandy ] Oh, no.
No. I feel so bad.
[ Pepper ] Oh, hold on.
Wait. Wait, wait. Look.
Hey, Kenny.
‐Yes? ‐Yes.
Yes!
Yes! Yes!
Booyah!
Sorry, sucker.
Oh, they're so cute.
[ Gasps ] Yes.
[ Sandy ] Well, we are coming up on 12:00,
and we have time to take one more caller before we have a little break.
Katrina, you've been holding a while.
What can I help you with today, Katrina?
[ snoring ]
Hello. You're on with Dr. Love.
[ Boy ] I want to talk to Santa.
Does your mommy know you're on the phone?
She fell asleep. And she's making funny noises.
She certainly does sound asleep.
Well, you know, Santa doesn't live here.
He's‐‐ He's... more of a North Pole kind of guy.
Ho, ho, ho.
You know, you're never gonna believe who just walked in.
‐It's him. ‐Hello, Santa.
It's me, Dex.
What? The little dude with a mother who snores like a chainsaw?
‐Yeah! ‐All right.
Well, I don't have all night. The reindeers are gettin' restless.
Neigh! Neigh!
Which makes them sound like horses.
‐Santa? ‐Well, for goodness' sake, what is it now?
I love you.
And with that, we take our first break.
What?
No snarky comeback?
Don't tell me you're getting soft on me now.
With kids, it's different.
All right, people. Chop, chop. We got two minutes to check the sizes on these things.
What things?
Hello! Costumes!
The client sent them over for your big public appearance tonight.
No one told me about a public appearance. That was not cleared with me.
Okay, princess, don't go all diva on me.
You got a hit show. People wanna press the flesh. Now try 'em on.
Pepper, you're gonna look great in this Joseph thing here.
I think you're gonna look fabulous as Mary.
Yeah?
Okay.
No.
This is it. My career is officially dead.
Look, I know that it's a little goofy, okay?
It's not the Hollywood Bowl, but,
you know, here, this means a lot.
People look forward to this.
Why don't you just shut your mouth and not be cynical for once?
Whatever.
♪ ♪ [ Horns: Fanfare ]
[ Cheering ]
Whoo!
There were shepherds in the fields, keeping watch over their flock by night.
The angel of the Lord came upon them,
and the glory of the Lord shone round about them,
and they were sore afraid.
Hey, kid, you okay?
‐What are you doing? He's supposed to be afraid. ‐Oh.
‐Pay attention. ‐Sorry.
Carry on.
Unto you was born this day, in the city of David,
a Savior which is Christ the Lord.
And this shall be a sign unto you‐‐
I think I know the story. Need some help?
And there shalt be a sign and ye shall find a baby wrapped in swaddling clothes,
lying in a manger.
And suddenly, there was with the angel,
a multitude of heavenly hosts praising God...
and saying‐‐
Think you got it from here?
Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will towards men.
Whoo! Yeah! [ Laughing ] All right!
‐Whoo! Good job. ‐[ Applauding Continues ]
So am I done?
Nope. Next you're the bartender at the reception.
Of course.
Hi.
There she is.
Well, someone turned out to be the star of the show.
Nah, she was the star. I just had enough sense to upstage her.
You really took me by surprise.
How did you know all that stuff?
What, you think cynics didn't go to Sunday school?
Here.
Have some unnaturally green punch.
Yikes. It looks like the Grinch died in here.
You're gonna need something to wash down... the dough balls with.
‐No, thanks. ‐You don't want salmonella?
You know, I actually had something a little stronger in mind.
Yeah?
Do you think you can handle it?
Rise up, shepherd, and follow.
Come on.
‐I gotta admit, you had me fooled. ‐Oh, yeah? How?
I just didn't think you were the type...
to stash a bottle of booze in the office.
No. It's way better than that.
Aw. Decaf tea bags?
No, I put that on to ward off intruders.
A.k.a. Jonah?
Look inside.
Ah. Christmas cookies.
With red and green sprinkles. My mom makes 'em.
‐Try one. ‐All right.
Mmm. Wow. That's really good.
‐[ Laughing ] I know. ‐Oh, my God.
‐Good, right? ‐I haven't had anything like this since I moved to L. A.
What? What are you talking about? L. A.'s like food heaven.
Yeah, with little pastries made by some guy named Pierre.
I mean, seriously, there's no way I could get a sugar rush like this.
‐I'd have to eat, like, a thousand of those. ‐Really?
So, how did you make it out there anyway?
Mmm. It's a pretty sad story actually.
Please. Big six‐figure salary just for being a goofball?
My heart bleeds for you.
‐You should not have said that. ‐Why?
'Cause now you're just gonna feel bad when I tell you the story.
Yeah, right. Try me.
All right. You asked for it.
So, it's four years ago,
and I'm like a semester away from graduating college.
And the whole time I have this campus radio show, right?
Long hours, no pay.
Just me and another guy doing all the work because we love it.
Except in this case, the other guy‐‐
Is a girl.
Carrie Spicer.
Sugar and spice and everything nice.
Oh! In unspeakable ways.
Oh, wait. Too much information.
All right. Moving on.
For three years, we spent pretty much all of our time...
in the station,
and senior year rolls around,
and I start making plans.
‐I buy a ring. ‐Wait. This is gonna be a heartbreak story?
Oh, no, no. I don't wanna hear a sad story.
I compensate by overeating.
Too late. You can't chicken out.
‐You gotta listen to the whole story. ‐Oh. Okay.
So, I make elaborate plans...
to ask her to marry me.
‐Stop. ‐Live and on air.
‐What? ‐Yup.
So the day comes. She's back in the booth when a request comes in.
She signals line two. I think she signals line three.
So, I pick up, and there's Carrie...
on line three, telling her new guy...
how she plans to leave me.
Yikes.
‐Yeah. ‐What did you do?
Well, I did what any seasoned radio professional would do.
I freaked out and I went off on her like a raging lunatic.
Did I mention the mike was still hot?
No! Oh, that is not good.
Yup. I managed to lose the love of my life...
and get kicked out of school all on the same day.
Want to know the worst part?
No. Hold on.
Okay. Go.
It was Christmas.
That is the saddest story I've ever heard.
Ah, not really. The rant went viral.
And I'm an immediate Internet sensation.
And the next thing you know, I got a six‐figure salary...
for just being‐‐ What was it that you called me?
A goofball?
[ Laughing ] I hate you.
You know I'm still eating this. Dare me?
It's all yours.
Ah! [ Laughing ] The whole bite.
‐That is the biggest bite I've ever seen. ‐Mmm.
Listen, I've answered enough questions.
It's your turn.
Fair enough.
Fire away.
‐Scared. ‐All right.
So, the whole Dr. Love thing.
Is that real, or is it just a radio deal?
Ph.D. in psychology from Northwestern.
Go, big purple.
So you clearly cheated.
I did not.
I actually graduated with distinction, so‐‐
Okay. Well, if you're so smart,
why you hanging out here with me, freezing your butt off in Idyllwild?
That is a good question.
Um, I had a practice in Chicago,
and then my dad got sick,
so I moved back here to be with him and my mom.
And he died eight months ago.
Mmm. [ Clicks Tongue ]
What?
Can we just take it back a few seconds right before I shoved my foot in my mouth?
It's fine.
‐I'm sorry. ‐Really, no, it's okay.
Um, so why don't you just open up another practice?
Because this here is mountain country, son,
and, well, we folks, we don't talk about our feelings.
Plus, I don't know.
The radio's become my practice.
So what do you make of me, Doc?
‐You? ‐Yeah.
Ah, you're easy.
Oh, yeah?
Guy who got his heart broken,
who now hides behind a microphone...
'cause he's scared of getting hurt again.
Right?
Or maybe I'm just being cautious.
You know, like mature people do.
Well, your time's up.
This is my car, so‐‐
So, what do I owe you, Doc?
Oh, you can't afford me.
You know you're talking to the second biggest radio star in Idyllwild, right?
Oh, yeah? Okay.
Well, why don't you make it snow?
'Cause it's just not the same around here without it.
That's a heck of a co‐pay.
I told you, I'm not cheap.
All right. Well, I guess this is good night.
Um, are you sure you don't want me to drive you to Jonah's?
No, thanks. I've gotta work off all the cookies anyway.
Okay.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Drive safe.
Bye.
[ Man On Phone ] I've asked her what she wants for Christmas,
but she just says she'll be happy with whatever I get her.
Right. And everybody who believes that, raise your third hand.
No, I think what Tom's wife is trying to say...
is that it's the thought that matters.
It's not the gift itself.
Okay. Then why don't you get her a thoughtful set of snow tires...
and watch her light up when you roll those babies in on Christmas morning?
I'm sure that Tom is thinking about something a little more romantic than snow tires.
Right, Tom?
Tom?
Well, the radials are kind of bald.
On that note, for calling in, I'm gonna send you a jewelry catalog.
That's all the time we have for today, guys.
This is Dr. Love.
And I'm Pepper Sterling.
‐And we are signing off. ‐Signing off.
That's what I'm talking about. The banter between you two needs to be more like that.
The raise your third hand? And that jewelry catalog comeback?
That was priceless.
What is this? Armchair analysis?
Well, there's always room for improvement.
Football coach dissects game film every night, right?
And I dissected a frog in biology class,
but I swore I'd never do that again.
All I'm saying is the way you two guys started,
I didn't know if this was gonna work or not.
Well, even some of the best marriages get off to a rocky start.
I mean, not that we're a couple or anything.
[ High‐pitched ] Awkward.
Sandy, I ordered some of that takeout you love.
It's a nice day. I thought we'd eat out in the square.
Oh, um, yeah. Yeah, sure. Thanks.
I'm such an idiot. Pepper, you wanna join us?
I can order you something. What do you like?
Nah, I can't do that.
Sure you can. Why not?
I made plans already for lunch.
You made plans? With who?
With your trusty sidekick in there.
You know what I think about every time I eat one of these bad boys?
A trip to the emergency room.
No. Little Lonnie Mills, WNKW in Mississippi.
Soul beast of the great Southeast.
Oh! Moment of silence, please.
He choked on a hot dog, dropped dead right in the middle of a show.
Dude's a legend.
What's going on with those two?
What, you mean dull and duller?
Best evidence yet that there is, indeed, a god.
Yeah? How's that?
Well, think about it.
The two most boring people in the entire world...
somehow managed to find each other in a place like this.
I mean, what are the odds?
If that's not divine manipulation, I don't know what is.
I don't know, man. Maybe she's just having a tough time after her dad died.
Maybe she just needs a little bit of fun in her life.
Forget it, man. She was born without the fun gene.
Oh, dude! I just got the best idea.
Let's blow off work and drive to Canada.
It's only, like, 14 hours.
I got a better idea. Let's get back to the hardware store.
How is that better than Canada?
I got a call from headquarters this morning.
Oh, no. Who are they unloading on us now?
Actually, it was about me this time.
They are considering me for a job in Dallas.
What? Wow!
Cole, that's amazing. Congratulations.
It's not a sure thing yet and I'm sure they have a lot of candidates,
but if it does happen,
I want you to think about coming with me.
Wow. Um‐‐
I don't know what to say.
I believe in your talent.
Sandy, I think you'd be a huge hit in a market like Dallas.
And, yes,
the fact of the matter is I would like to keep seeing you.
I'm just asking you to think about it.
Oh! Margaret! I'm so sorry.
‐That's okay. ‐I'm sorry.
Okay. Sorry.
Oh, my gosh. I have not been late like this since college.
It's all right. You still got 15 seconds.
Get your feet out of my chair!
All right. Now that the queen has arrived, let's make some radio history.
‐Live in five. ‐Oh, I just gotta catch my breath.
And now, your number one talk radio show,
Dr. Love in the Mornings, with special guest, Pepper Sterling!
What's going on, Idyllwild? Happy holidays.
We'll get to your calls in a few minutes,
but first here's a little something to get you in the mood.
‐[ Deck the Halls plays ] ‐Wait. Wait, what?
I got a surprise for you in your office.
Are you crazy? We can't just walk out on a show.
We can for three minutes and 17 seconds,
which is exactly how long the song lasts.
‐Come on. ‐You know we're not gonna make out.
It's not about that this time. Follow me.
[ Giggles ]
Go ahead, open it.
[ Sandy Laughing ]
So, what do you think?
You filled my office with packing peanuts.
[ Laughs ]
You said you wanted snow.
Well, now you got snow.
Well, I mean, it is actually kind of amazing.
[ Both Shouting ]
You're gonna pay for that.
[ Scoffs ] Hey.
‐Oh, my God. ‐Get back here.
No! [ Laughing ]
[ Muffled Laughing ]
[ Roars ] [ Screams ]
Take a good look at your face.
See? It's just like snow.
Yeah.
Let's tie it.
[ Giggles ] Looks good.
‐Oh‐‐ ‐The show.
[ Laughs ]
[ Sandy ] Ah!
And we're back. I'm Dr. Sandra Love‐‐
And I'm college dropout Pepper Sterling.
Jonah, who's our first caller?
[ Jonah ] Up first we have "do that again and I'll crush you both."
Go ahead, caller. You're on with Dr. Love.
Oh, my God. [ Chuckles ]
[ Clears Throat ]
[ Laughs ] Well‐‐
Looks like you missed a peanut.
You don't mean snow?
Yeah, I mean snow.
I had fun today.
Yeah, yeah. It was a good show.
All right, well, I'm gonna‐‐ I'm gonna go.
[ Chuckles ] All right.
If you're not doing anything‐‐
Other than rearranging Jonah's sock drawer‐‐ nada.
Well, my mom and I were gonna go pick out our Christmas tree,
if you wanna come along.
Who, me? The overpaid Cro‐Magnon twit?
We need a little caveman muscle.
Any opportunity to show off these massive guns.
I'm in. Let's do this.
Go get in the car.
Hey, do me a favor and be nice to my mom. Okay?
It's our first Christmas without my Dad, so she's a little fragile.
Yeah, she seems real fragile.
‐Katherine Love. Call me Kate. ‐Hi.
‐I'm Pepper.
‐You're that radio guy. I like you. You're spunky. ‐Yeah, that's me.
I hope you don't mind that I invited him to come cut a tree with us.
Yeah, that's great. We could use the help.
‐You got gloves? ‐No.
Oh, well, you'll need these.
All right. Be careful.
Let's go cut a tree.
‐[ Kate ] Come on. ‐[ Both Laughing ]
[ Pepper ] Aren't you guys freezing?
[ Kate Scoffs ] You're not used to the cold, huh?
Okay, you guys. Let's pick it up. We're losing light.
So, you kill for your own food too?
Oh, yeah, absolutely.
I got a possum in the oven. Hope you're hungry.
Hey, guys. That's it. Right there.
[ Kate ] Oh, that's pretty. That's a good tree.
Do you approve of this one?
[ Pepper ] It's so shiny.
Yeah. I made it.
It's cute. I like it.
‐It's pretty colorful. ‐Thank you.
Hmm. So, what do you think,
little snowman thing or baby's first Christmas?
I like both. I say put both.
Yeah? All right. You're the one who's gotta live with it.
‐Pepper? ‐Yeah.
Um, where are you spending Christmas?
I hadn't thought about it. I wasn't sure how long I was gonna be here.
Well, if you're still here,
we'd love to have you spend it with us.
Only if you cook up another possum.
That thing was incredible.
Little secret‐‐ It was brisket.
Aw, don't tell me that.
Makes me feel more manly to think I ate a giant rat.
Okay, what happened here?
[ Laughs ] You know, I love this one.
I made it in second grade. It's a reindeer.
Maybe after he got hit by a truck.
What?
All right, we're gonna put this guy back here so nobody sees him.
No, that is so mean. He goes in the front.
No, this is for his own good.
‐This way no one will make fun of him. Okay? ‐Stop being so controlling.
Oh, you're calling me controlling?
‐I mean‐‐ ‐Wow.
‐Yeah, you're a little‐‐ ‐Excuse me, guys. I'll be back in a minute.
I'm gonna go and check on her. I'll be right back, okay?
Yeah.
Hey. Mom, what's wrong?
Nothing. Really, I'm good.
I'm so sorry.
I never should have brought him here without asking you first.
Are you kidding me? No, I'm glad that you did.
It's like spending Christmas with your dad.
Mom, Pepper is nothing like Dad.
[ Scoffs ] Who are you kidding?
He is exactly like your dad. No wonder you like him so much.
I never said that I like him.
You didn't have to.
Okay, Mom, look, he's funny and he's fun to be around,
but... that's it.
He's not substantial. He's not like Dad.
Trust me, it's nothing serious.
You make your dad sound so serious.
Well, what's wrong with that?
Nothing, as long as you're not boring.
I don't think you remember how silly Dad used to be with us...
and how much he could make us laugh.
You gotta remember to have fun and let go.
Now you sound like Pepper.
Then you should listen to him.
Okay, you've got a guest, and I know it's time for me to get lost.
Mom. I love you.
[ Laughs ]
Sorry.
Did I upset her?
No. No, on the contrary. She‐‐
She adores you.
You made her really happy.
And me too. So, thank you.
Well, I have a confession to make.
Oh, no. What did you do now?
‐Steal the family silver? ‐Worse.
What?
So, that tree over there?
That's not the only thing I cut down with a chainsaw today.
What is it with men and power tools?
You guys, like, turn into little boys.
Little boys that can't stop thinking about little girls.
Are you mad at me for cutting this down too?
I guess... only if you waste it.
[ Sandy ] Most often, in situations like this,
my advice would be to avoid‐‐
‐Stop that right now. ‐No.
All, am‐‐ uh, you know‐‐
‐ambiguous psychological functioning‐‐ ‐[ Pops ]
that would manifest itself in our, um‐‐
in our‐‐ our dream state. [ Whispers ] Stop.
How does that sound?
[ Male Caller ] Like you're psychotic.
I just asked if I should tip the trash guy at Christmas.
Well, I'm sure that...
it will make a lot more sense...
once you've thought about it.
Jonah, who's our next caller?
Oh, uh, up next we have Buddy from the Golden Acres Retirement Home.
Oh, um, it's always a pleasure to welcome a senior onto our show.
Uh, can I ask how old you are? [ Whispers ] Don't.
‐[ Buddy ] I'll be 93 in January. ‐[ Pops ]
Wow, almost 93. That's‐‐ Congratulations.
Um, what's on your mind today, Buddy?
‐[ Buddy ] Sex. ‐Sex?
Sex?
Yeah, yeah. Sex.
Talk to me, caller. What's going on?
Okay. Well, not too long ago my wife talked me into...
getting one of those stint thingies.
You know, to open up the valve in the old ticker?
I gotta say, I feel like a new man.
And not just in the heart department, if you know what I mean.
Yes, yes. We‐‐ We know what you mean.
Um, so I'm guessing your question is if it's okay to resume having sex?
Wouldn't you after 37 years?
In my professional opinion, I think you should consult your doctor...
and have a full work‐up before any vigorous activity...
just to make sure that your heart and...
other parts are working correctly.
Buddy, you're 92 years old. Forget the work‐up.
‐What? ‐Look, you're already playing with house money.
Come on. Get moving. Ticktock. Time's a wastin'.
I mean, what's the worst that could happen. Right?
[ Bell Tolls ]
[ Microphone Popping ]
Um, hello? [ Clears Throat ]
You know, I barely knew Buddy,
but during one of our most recent talks‐‐
Okay, our only talk‐‐
I got to see that Buddy was a great person.
Somebody who loved life...
and loved the person he shared it with.
And who can ask for anything more than that?
Ma'am, I can't tell you how incredibly sorry I am.
I just‐‐ I feel awful about what happened to your husband.
Oh, it's okay, sweetie.
Buddy and I had a wonderful life together.
And I want you to know he died a very happy man.
[ Both Chuckling ] Well, it's always good to go out on a high note.
Mrs. Crutchfield, now what would Buddy think?
Who cares? He's dead.
Like you say, at my age, there's no time to waste.
All right, then. So you wanna dance with an old fart like me?
[ Laughing ] Can you keep up?
[ Pepper ] No, can you keep up?
I like your moves.
‐[ Cackling ] ‐Whoa, you're getting away from me.
[ Mrs. Crutchfield ] Whoo‐whoo. Grandma nothin'.
Whoo‐whee!
I got all kinds of surprises, little boy.
‐[ Pepper ] One handed, huh? Oh! ‐Just let me show you my stuff.
And here it comes.
Whoa. [ Laughing ]
‐Well, look what heaven dropped into my lap. ‐Shut up and dance.
All right.
I had no idea memorials could be so much fun.
Wanna dance?
You sure you're up for it?
You probably ought to get a full work‐up before any vigorous activities.
[ Both Chuckling ]
[ Pepper ] I'm telling ya, that old lady was pretty into me.
[ Sandy ] You know, she just lost her husband.
[ Jonah ] Rebound relationship. She's using you, man.
Well, here I am, my blue‐haired vixen.
Come and use me up.
‐[ Pepper ] With the chess pieces all in the punch. ‐[ Jonah Laughing ]
‐Hi. ‐Hey. Looks like I missed a heck of a party.
‐Oh, you have no idea. ‐The prune pudding was the bomb diggity.
I can't even get that taste out of my mouth.
Pepper, can I have you come to my office for a second?
Just come on in and close the door.
Ooh.
Yeah, sure.
Just Pepper.
‐Oh, you didn't want to see us? ‐No.
Okay, all right. Good luck, Pepper.
[ Scoffs ]
Love you.
So, what's up?
Headquarters called. They want you back on the air.
‐Since when? ‐Since their ratings dropped four percent.
So just like that, I'm out of the penalty box?
Yeah. A dip in ad revenue will do that.
They, uh‐‐ They're sending a plane tomorrow.
They want you back by Christmas Day.
Christmas Day? No. I‐I can't do that to Sandy.
I'm confused. I thought you couldn't wait to get out of here.
Yeah, no. Um‐‐ Yeah, it's great.
Look, can you do me a favor and just...
not say anything to Sandy?
I wanna tell her myself.
Pepper, she means a lot to me.
Probably a lot more than I mean to her.
Don't hurt her.
All right. Sandy and Pepper in the Morning's promo, take four.
This is KZJJ 99.6,
home of Sandy and Pepper in the Morning.
‐How was that? ‐Inspired.
Hey. What do you think?
What happened to Dr. Love with special guest Pepper Sterling?
I guess I'm getting used to sharing.
We were just playing around with a couple things, seeing how stuff sounds.
We should have Pepper do one.
I'll do one in a minute.
Um, Jonah, can we get a second?
[ Whispers ] Yeah.
Hey. What happened in there?
Nothing. Um, I'm fine.
It's just...
I think there's something we need to talk about.
What is it?
‐Um‐‐ ‐Pepper, just say it.
Well‐‐
Yeah. I just‐‐
I was wondering if you wanted to go to the company Christmas party with me.
I mean, sure, but we don't‐‐
We don't have a company Christmas party.
I'm talking about the one on Sunday in California.
Wait, are you kidding? L. A.?
‐Are you kidding? ‐No, I mean, I know it's short notice...
and you probably have some, like, trees to chop down or something‐‐
No, shut up. I mean, what about the show?
Well, we can have a company plane pick us up right after the show,
and then we'll be back in time the next morning.
Wait, wait, wait. Are you joking?
I mean, L. A. and a private plane?
There's one catch.
What?
You gotta be my date.
‐[ Squealing, Laughing ] ‐Yeah?
[ Kisses ]
I guess that means you'll think about it?
‐It's an experience. ‐[ Shrieks ]
[ Shutter Clicks ]
Thanks.
[ Shutter Clicks ]
‐And one point‐‐ Pepper. ‐[ Shouts ]
Can we take a picture?
Aw, sure, why not?
[ Shutter Clicks ]
Whoa.
‐[ Sandy ] This mansion is your house? ‐[ Engine Off ]
Yep. [ Chuckles ]
‐Show me. ‐There's nothing to see.
It's just a bunch of empty rooms.
‐Jimmy. ‐Welcome home, Mr. Sterling.
Hey. Hey, can you throw that in the back for us?
Sure thing.
‐Thanks. ‐There you go.
‐Hi. ‐Hi.
‐I'll see you in a little bit. ‐Okay.
‐Okay, who was that? ‐Ah, that's Jimmy, my house manager.
Are there any other people in the entourage I need to know about?
That's it.
So, are you gonna tell me what's in that basket?
Now, now, have a little patience. You'll see.
‐Let's put our stuff right here. ‐Okay.
So, do you always have your minions pack you a nice little picnic?
Oh, this isn't a picnic. It's way better than that.
‐Oh, yeah? ‐Yep.
We're gonna make a snowman.
L.A.‐style.
Uh, what are we gonna use for snow?
We're gonna use sand.
[ Pepper ] Voilà.
[ Giggling ]
What else do you have in here?
Yeah, we got some shovels for ya.
Yeah, instead of it melting, the high tide just washes it back out to sea.
‐Can I ask you something? ‐What?
Why on earth would someone as incredible as you...
stick around in Idyllwild, Colorado?
Well, you know, my mom's cookies are a big selling point.
Okay.
Come on. I'm being serious.
What? I mean, I told you.
I moved home to be with my mom when my dad got sick.
Nope. I don't buy it.
Your mom can take care of herself.
Who said anything about taking care of her?
I said, "being with her."
You know, breathing the same air as her.
Sharing the same space.
It's what you do when you love someone else.
You want to be around them all the time.
[ Sighs ] We need to talk about the Christmas party.
You know, I think he's missing something.
I'll be right back. Hold on.
Sandy, what‐‐
Wait a sec.
Pepper? Pepper.
Man, why didn't you call me? I would've picked you up at the airport, brother.
Look, we got a lot to talk about.
Yeah, yeah, I know. I just‐‐
I got a friend in town and I'm just showing her around.
It's her first time here, so‐‐
Oh, nice.
You tell her her tour guide is about to become the king of L. A.
[ Scoffs ] What are you talking about?
Ratings have been so bad since you left...
that they are desperate to get you back on the air, man.
Look, have you seen these?
What?
They are blanketing the whole city with those‐‐
billboards, bus stops, everything.
Wow, I guess they really did miss me, huh?
I mean, they never spent this kind of money before.
That, my friend, is what I call "leverage,"
and my two favorite words in the whole English language...
are "re" and "negotiation."
‐[ Laughs ] ‐Turning lemons into lemonade, huh?
It's what I do, baby.
I'll call you tomorrow. All right?
Hey. Who was that?
Oh, that's my buddy, Morris.
All right. There.
Perfect.
Yeah, I guess it is, isn't it?
It's sort of sad that this is all gonna be washed away by tomorrow, isn't it?
Are you okay?
This is her, right?
Your girlfriend?
‐Your make‐out buddy? ‐Okay, it's not like that.
I promise, it's not like that.
Why did you even bring me here?
I think you should let me explain.
There's no need to. That‐‐ That says it all.
‐Congratulations. You're back. ‐Sandy‐‐
No, now you get to go back to real life.
When were you gonna tell me about this?
At the party, or‐‐
Wait...
There‐‐ There is a party, right?
No.
I feel so stupid.
I was gonna tell you. In fact, I tried‐‐
Has anything that you've said been true?
You know what? It doesn't even matter now.
Because, you know, I'm not one of your callers, right?
Like, you know you can't just use me for entertainment
and then disconnect from me whenever you're done.
You knew this was gonna happen. Come on.
I mean, now‐‐ a month from now‐‐ at some point, they were gonna bring me back here.
So then why do all this with me?
What do you want me to say?
I have a deal with these people.
Okay? I made a commitment.
You may have a deal with these people,
but you know nothing about commitment.
Sandy.
Sandy, I'm sorry.
Where are you even gonna go?
[ Sighs ]
[ Carrie ] Welcome back to Pepper and Spice in the Morning.
We would like to thank our special guest Rat Mutants...
for stopping by on Christmas Day.
The final show of Rat Mutants' Merry Metal Christmas Tour...
is tonight, and I'm told you guys have got some surprises up your sleeve.
Yeah, I'm performing a special mash‐up...
of "Jingle Bells" and "Putrefied Maggots."
Can't get more Christmassy than that, right?
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
So, um, I've got to tell you‐‐
When Pepper and I were in college,
we absolutely loved your first album.
Especially the third track. I, uh, I can't remember the name of it,
but I do know that we made out to it...
for 12 minutes and 11 seconds.
I get that a lot.
Apparently that tune helped breed us...
a whole new generation of fans.
Well, I bet you Pepper remembers the name of the track.
‐Pepper? ‐Just a college thing, sweetie.
Long time ago.
Talk to me, Morris. What's going on here?
Uh, he's just a little out of sync.
‐He'll get it back. ‐Yeah, well, he better.
You know, we didn't double his salary for this.
And that's going to wrap things up for today.
I'm Carrie.
And I'm outta here.
[ Carrie ] And we'll be back tomorrow...
with more Pepper and Spice in the Morning.
And we're out.
Will somebody please tell me what's going on?
Okay, you tell him that I want to see him in my office, now.
No worries. I'll talk to him.
Pepper!
[ Sighs ]
What are you trying to do, man. Huh?
Get yourself kicked off the air again?
Back off.
I just‐‐ I can't think straight right now.
Oh, clearly.
Look, I'll get it together. I promise.
[ Sighs ] Okay.
Come on, Sandy. Answer.
[ Ringing ]
[ Sandy: Recording ] Hi, you've reached Sandy's cell phone. Leave a message.
Okay, this is a special one for you.
‐Mom! ‐But it‐‐ Oh, turn it like that.
It's no big deal. You'll see.
What did you get me?
Hmm.
Oh‐‐ [ Laughs ] It's my little reindeer.
[ Kate ] Pepper was right. Poor thing was falling apart...
and there's no way I could ever get rid of that.
Thank you.
Look, I know you're going through so much right now,
and I'm so sorry.
Oh, Mom. [ Laughing, Crying ]
Oh.
I'm gonna go make us a pot of coffee, and we're gonna talk.
‐Okay? ‐Okay.
[ Vibrates ]
[ Knocking On Door ]
Merry Christmas.
Cole. Hi.
Merry Christmas.
Yeah, something tells me I'm not who you were hoping for.
No, no. It's nothing like that.
Come in.
I just dropped by to bring you this.
You didn't have to get me a gift.
Well, just open it.
Okay.
‐Cowboy boots. ‐[ Both Laughing ]
Wow.
You know, I think this might be the first time...
anyone's every given me a pair of these.
Okay, but they're sort of symbolic.
I got a call from the network last night,
and they want me in Dallas tomorrow night.
You got the job. That's‐‐ That's fantastic.
And I still, uh, mean what I said.
I hope you come with me.
Cole, h‐how can you mean that?
After what happened.
Look, whatever happened between you and Pepper,
it doesn't change the fact that you're great at what you do.
And, uh, the truth is‐‐
I still want a chance to make us work.
I'm gonna leave after the show tomorrow.
And I really hope you're in the car with me.
[ Sandy: Recording ] No, you don't get your wife sexy lingerie for Christmas.
[ Pepper: Recording ] Why not? It's kind of a his‐and‐hers gift.
[ Sandy ] Please. The last thing that I want in the middle of winter
is fishnet underwear, okay?
I like my p. j.'s flannel and preferably with feet.
[ Pepper ] Which explains why you're still single.
[ Laughing ] See? It's funny, right?
Yeah, it is.
But it's about as soft as a bag of marshmallows.
You're wrong. You're wrong, man.
People love this stuff.
Yeah, maybe back in Weedpatch or wherever you were.
But this is L.A. Nobody's gonna want to hear that, man,
especially not coming out of you.
How do you know? Man, come on. Give me an hour.
Middle of the night. I don't care. I'll do it for free.
And if it flops, I'll let it go. I promise.
Pepper, it's not you. Huh?
You're all about edge. Getting crazy.
Being unpredictable. That's your brand.
What if I want a different brand.
Then you will be walking away from a ton of money...
and a very successful career.
[ Sighs ] Look, my advice to you...
is to just let her go, man.
‐Hey. ‐Hi.
You going somewhere?
I haven't decided yet.
You know, Cole wants me to go with him to Dallas.
Wow.
What do you want to do?
I want what I can't have.
Honey.
I don't know. Part of me thinks I should just go.
You know, give myself a chance to start over.
And Cole? Is he someone that you want to be with?
I don't know. I‐‐ Maybe someday.
Well, then maybe someday you should go to Dallas.
‐But not now. ‐I can't stay here.
Every time I look at that empty microphone,
I think about Pepper.
I don't think I could get through a show without completely falling apart.
Yes, you can.
It gets better.
I can't tell you how much I used to feel that same way...
every time I'd be in bed...
and I'd look at Dad's empty pillow.
Mom.
But it does get better.
You do what you need to do.
I love you.
I love you too.
Hey, Mr. Sterling.
Nice day, huh?
What's nice about it?
Well, my friends back east are bragging about the snow they got for the holidays.
I just think it's great to be in California at Christmas.
Depends on who you're with, I guess.
Yeah. I, uh‐‐ I know what you mean.
You know, my grandparents felt the same way.
They were, uh, married for 43 years.
God bless 'em.
Didn't matter where they were, as long as they were together.
You know? That was the, uh‐‐
That was the greatest place on earth.
Thanks, Jimmy. I needed that.
Sure thing, sir.
Hey, Jimmy.
Something wrong, sir?
[ Chuckles ] No.
Something's right.
Something's very right. You know what?
I'm gonna need to get those keys from you.
I'll see you.
Drive safe.
Here. Keep the change.
Hey, Kate. Is Sandy around?
Pepper, what are you doing here?
I came to tell her what an idiot I am.
Couldn't you have done that on the phone?
No, I've realized it and I need to show her.
‐Is she upstairs? ‐No, she's at work.
But her show is in the morning.
No, it's a special broadcast today.
She's saying good‐bye.
Good‐bye? What are you talking about?
To her listeners. Didn't she call you?
No.
She's going to Dallas with Cole.
No. No, she can't do that.
I gotta go. I gotta go.
Thank you, Kate. Thank you.
Hey, come back! Wait!
I'm gonna need to borrow that car of yours.
Yeah, yeah. Sure, sure.
Hey, do you know how to drive a stick?
Of course.
‐[ Engine Revving ] ‐[ Pepper ] Come on. Stupid truck.
Come on, let's go. [ Grunts ]
Come on!
[ Woman Caller ] He's obsessed with sports.
He says he'll do better right after bowl season,
or the NFL play‐offs.
For sure before spring training.
‐What do you think? Should I believe him? ‐[ Pops ]
Unfortunately it sounds like you're in a relationship with someone...
who doesn't want the same things as you.
So, you have a choice to make.
You either spend the rest of your life wishing it were different,
or... you move on.
Um, let's take our final break.
You're listening to a special farewell broadcast of Dr. Love.
[ Pops ]
Aww, man.
[ Honks ]
Move! Come on!
‐Watch where you're going! ‐All right, already!
‐Go! ‐Kill yourself!
‐You got it? ‐Yeah.
[ Sandy Laughing ] Okay.
‐One more. ‐Yeah.
[ Sighs ]
[ Grunting, Panting ]
[ Groans ]
Pepper?
Pepper!
Oh. Oh, man. Oh, I am so glad to have you back.
It's like a morgue in there.
I'm starting to play funeral music between the breaks.
Yeah, well, let it go. I'm not coming back.
Well‐‐ [ Chuckles ]
What do you mean you're not coming back?
You belong here, man. Come on.
Now get down out of that thing and do something totally epic.
Give it up, Jonah. Okay?
Go find another hero.
I don't even give a damn about the radio show anymore, man.
I'm not what you think I am.
I'm just another guy.
Who said anything about the radio show?
I'm talking about Sandy.
She loves you, dude.
I mean, even a nimrod like me can see that.
You know what? Maybe, uh‐‐ Maybe you're right.
Maybe you're just another guy.
And she deserves a lot better than that.
[ Sandy ] Okay. That'll wrap things up for me today.
On a personal note, I‐‐
I just want to tell you all how special you've made me feel.
And how grateful I am that you've let me into your lives.
So... from the bottom of my heart, thank you.
[ Phone Rings ]
Dr. Love. Uh, you are caller number too late.
She just hung up on her last victim. So‐‐
‐This is Dr. Sandra Love and you've been listening to‐‐ ‐Uh, hold the phone, Doc.
What?
Uh, it looks like we have just one more caller...
who could really use a little help.
Uh, okay. So, um, yeah.
I guess we have time for one more quick call.
Who am I speaking with?
An overpaid, rock‐headed, Cro‐Magnon twit...
who'd rather die than let the love of his life slip away.
He finally understands what's missing in his life.
And even though it may seem like he has it all,
he realizes that he's got nothing without her.
Uh, I‐I can definitely hear...
the regret in your voice,
but I think you might have waited too long.
Not if she gives me another chance.
I just don't know if that's possible.
‐Good‐bye, caller. ‐Wait. Can I just say one more thing?
What else is there to say?
[ Sighs ]
I don't think I can express it over the phone.
Maybe you should come outside and see for yourself.
You're here?
This is crazy. I can't just walk out on my listeners like that.
I don't think you have to worry about that.
'Cause they're all out here with me.
All right, this is it.
Now.
[ Cheering, Clapping ]
‐Look, it's snowing. ‐Oh. [ Laughing ]
[ Both Laughing ]